I haven't been in my house since the morning of January 2, when I left early that morning to take Britta to the pediatrician. We'd been sent home from the ER the night before, saying to just continue to give her Pedialyte and she'd be fine.
I was missing Britta (and even Chris, whose side I've been attached to the last several weeks) on the drive home, but was almost excited about spending some time in my own house. I haven't had a second of time to myself in weeks and was plotting a long shower and some serious time with my DVR.
Then I walked in the door...
....and officially understand what people mean when they say that their legs gave out. I can't explain it. It was just too much. Too much sadness. Too much loneliness. Too much anger. Just too much EVERYTHING.
Her blanket is on the sofa. Her bed has a change of clothes at the foot of it in case she threw up again, I'd have one ready to go. There's an unopened pack of diapers on the counter I'd just bought. There's 2 massive cans of formula in the cupboard and rows of washed bottles on the bottle dryer.
But she's not here.
I know that she's getting well. I know. I know. I know.
But the magnitude of everything finally hit me. Sure, I fell apart at the hospital when they told me she needed emergency surgery to survive. Yes, I've cried myself to sleep, clutching onto Chris' hand like a form of life support. I've pitched a fit over things I have no control over.
But this, this was something different.
Too much.
You have every right to feel the way you do. Thanks for being honest. Too much BS out there. Be pissed. Be mad. Be whatever...love to you and your beautiful family. Molly prays for "Bitta" everynight.
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes only when we finally fall to our knees do we realize just how long we've been standing and how much we've endured. You've had to be so strong, and I hope being home was cathartic for you, even though it was painful and sad.
ReplyDelete^^this!!^^ exactly!! I was going to post that as hard as it was to be home and i was such a wreck that night, i actually feel stronger afterward.
ReplyDeleteI could never express the sadness and anger I feel for you. I am in awe of you and Chris and your strength. I just don't know what I would do if it were me, and I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I love you friend.
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